Why Do Kids Whine?

Let's talk about whining. Our family was on vacation recently and my husband and I wanted to explore some new sites. We love to wander around and just breathe it all in when we're somewhere new. But my kids don't always share this joy. In fact, on this particular trip, their legs just seem to quit functioning altogether. They couldn't walk, but miraculously, they could ride a bike and swim with complete ease whining. It's very much a part of childhood. It can feel irritating and exhausting and frustrating. So in this episode, we're going to uncover why whining happens so we can get a better handle on it and shift our own mindsets.

Hi, this is Denaye. I'm the founder of Simple Families. Simple Families is an online community for parents who are seeking a simpler more intentional life. In this show, we focus on minimalism with kids, positive parenting, family wellness, and decreasing the mental load. My perspectives are based in my firsthand experience, raising kids, but also rooted in my PhD in child development. So you're going to hear conversations that are based in research, but more importantly, real life. Thanks for joining us. Thanks so much for tuning in. I want to first thank native for sponsoring today's episode and bring you a quick 62nd word from them. I love native. My husband and I have been using their products for years long before they were a podcast sponsor. I feel like I tried pretty much every natural deodorant on the market. And I nearly gave up because I was convinced that natural deodorants just didn't work.

But thankfully I was introduced to Native and I have never looked back. The lavender is my favorite scent, but I have to say that I love them all. So I encourage you do it. I did and make the switch to Native today. Good and nativedeo.com/simple and use the promo code "simple" at checkout. Now, when you buy native right on their website with this promo code, you're going to save a lot of money, especially if you go for the multi-packs. That's what I do again, that's nativedeo.com/simple, or use the promo code "simple" at checkout for 20% off your first order. I think you're going to love it as much as I do. All right, back to today's episode. I want to give you a heads up that I will be running a special offer on the simple families foundations program in September.

So put that on your radar. There'll be a discount and a couple of brand new bonuses, Simple Families Foundations is my flagship program that focuses on simplifying the home and simplifying parenting. So if you're looking for a helping hand to get started, stay tuned for more information, that'll be coming towards the middle of September. Now let's talk about whining. Why do kids whine? So like I whining is very much a part of childhood. In fact, it's also very much a part of adulthood, but by the time that we're grown, we've learned to understand the difference between public and private speech. And we understand the need to separate the two in different contexts. So public speech are the things that we say aloud. Private speech involves what we keep in our heads, our thoughts, and as adults we've learned, what's appropriate to say out loud versus keeping our heads as our children grow.

They're going to learn to censor their speech as well. They'll learn that it's not okay to say grandma, this food is gross. As they learn and grow, you're going to see them censoring in some settings and not others. That means they're going to voice whining and complaining to you that they would never dream of vocalizing in school with their teachers. You could take this as a compliment. It means that your kids feel intimately connected to you. Perhaps they even view you as an extension of themselves as many do so they are sharing their otherwise private speech and thoughts with you publicly. Now, let's think about this from an adult perspective. When was the last time that you stepped out of your car on a hot summer day and thought, Oh, it's so hot and miserable out here. Can we just go back into the air conditioning?

Maybe you thought this recently, but you kept it within your brain. If you were in a mix of people that you didn't know, well, you likely kept this as private speech in your head. But if you were with intimate company, maybe your partner or your family, you might have said it out loud. We say things allowed an intimate company different than we do when we're with mixed company, but your child on the other hand would likely always say this aloud in the early years, because they're still learning to censor their public speech. Kids will gradually learn as they grow. You can gently redirect them and explain that some things are better kept in their head as thoughts, but expect this to be a slow and somewhat painful process. Don't shame or scold the whining because it does take time to learn. Remember, whining is not unique to kids.

They're just usually the ones who are doing it out loud. Now, if you try to teach directly, if you try to teach them directly not to whine, you're probably going to get some mixed results. And you're probably going to get frustrated with failed attempts. The best way to teach is to model it yourself. That means keeping your own complaining under wraps. If you listen to yourself and you find yourself to be a bit whiny, your kids might continue to whine as they get older too. That's not to say that you're a hundred percent to blame by any means, but kids do learn from the people around them. You're never going to be able to put an end to the whining and complaining entirely, but you can do your part by being intentional with your own whines and complaints. Now let's talk about the difference between whining and complaining, because technically there is a difference when you whine you're voicing frustration or irritation without the expectation of any kind of resolution, you're just kind of putting it out there in the world.

When you complain, you're looking to have your concerns addressed or resolved. Here's an adult example. This is a whine. The school is so disorganized and this is a complaint. The principal lacks leadership skills and he needs to be replaced. So did you see the difference there? One is just kind of putting out these negative thoughts into the world. And the other one is putting out the thoughts, looking for a resolution. But for the purposes of this episode, we're just going to group these things together because generally we do that in our minds. So let's talk about three different types, generalized whininess whining to get something and whining to get out of something. First, let's talk about generalized whininess. Maybe you have a kid that seems really whiny. You know, about everything you'll want to start by covering the obvious spaces have they ate well, have they slept well, if not start there.

If they have, and they're still whining, they're probably looking for connection. In fact, lots of children, whine for connection. If they're whining for connection to you and your responses, stop whining and you dismiss them. It will probably only intensify the whining because these kids don't need to be dismissed. They need a hug. Your best solution to handle generalized whininess is to offer connection, get down on their level, look them in the eyes, give them hugs, read a book aloud, or just pause and be present. Now, kids are rarely going to ask verbally with their words for connection, but often they're begging for it. If you listen to their behavior, you know who else winds for connection? I do. And you might too. I find that when I'm feeling disconnected from my partner, I'll whine and complain at him more. And when that connection is reestablished and our relationship feels secure, that whining will subside. Can you tune into your own patterns to see if this happens to you as well? Clearly it's not just our kids next. Let's talk about whining to get something. Perhaps you have a kid who's whining for ice cream or more TV time. If you have a kid who frequently whines about obtaining something, there's a good chance. You might have a malleable. No, what's a malleable. No, it's a no that can be easily molded or changed by whining. Can I have ice cream? No. Can I please, please, please have ice cream.

No, please, please, please. Fine. Take the ice cream. That's the malleable. No, if you have a malleable, no, you need to shift to a hard, no setting boundaries and being firm isn't synonymous with being mean. It's just part of you doing your job. I demonstrated the hard no, back in episode 190, that's simplefamilies.com/episode190. And I speak about it at length there. So tune into that episode for examples of what it sounds like, but I'm telling you when you fine tune your hard No, you'll usually only have to say it once. Now. How about the kid who whines to get out of something? Perhaps they complain that their legs hurt when you ask them to walk a half a mile, but they seem content to run for days with their friends. If you haven't already figured this out, you really can't force kids to do anything.

If they are refusing to walk, you can't manually force them into standing position and walk for them. So we know what we can't do, but what can we do? We can use less shame and more encouragement instead of saying something shameful. Like you're so lazy, get up and walk. I plan this fun day out to see a waterfall and you don't appreciate it. Try something encouraging. Like I know it seems like a long way, but this is going to be fun. We're heading to a waterfall and we can take off our shoes and wait around when we get there. Now, if you're interested in hiking with kids and you have reluctant hikers, I know I have one. I talk about this more in episode 168, that's simple families.com/episode168. I will tell you for the most part, if you can get past the initial whining, you will usually find smooth sailing.

After that, I encourage you bring your most positive attitude and motivation and don't give up. Now, if your kids are wanting to get out of something, it could also be a sign that you need to tune in. If they whine every time they go to soccer practice, maybe it's time to reconsider. If soccer is a good fit, if they whine every time you drop them off to play at Sally's house, maybe Sally, isn't the best playmate for your child. You can be encouraging and motivating, but at the end of the day, we do need to give our kids a voice in the way that they spend their time. It's all about balance. Lastly, let's talk about the kid who whines about doing things that they can already do. Like put their shoes on. Even if a child can complete a task on their own, it doesn't mean that it's easy for them.

If they're not feeling a hundred percent, perhaps they're tired or hungry, simple tasks can seem a lot harder. I never hesitate to help with small things. When my kids aren't at their best teamwork is something that we can all benefit from big and small. So don't hesitate to help. Let's do it together is one of my favorite things to say to my kids. At the end of the day, we really have to learn to get comfortable with our kids, discomfort and happiness, because they will be uncomfortable and unhappy at many points in their lives. And that's okay. Life is full of ups and downs. And we as parents need to make peace with the fact that their lives won't always be super easy and pleasant. Life can be hard and we can't prevent our kids from learning that. So if we can get comfortable with their discomfort, they can start to do the same.

But can we talk about our own discomfort here for a minute? Why is whining so painful for parents frequent, complaining and whining hurts her ears. It hurts our hearts and it hurts our egos. Can you imagine if your boss followed you around all day at work complaining about everything you do, whining endlessly, how would you feel? It would probably take a toll on your self-esteem because that whining and complaining can easily be interpreted as a message that you lack in some way you aren't doing your job well enough. You aren't showing up the way that you should, but the truth is maybe the boss has unrealistic expectations and often our kids have unrealistic expectations of us too. When our kids whine or they're just generally unhappy, we can easily slip into this mindset that we have done something wrong or that we're failing to show up and serve our children in the way that we should.

Because as parents, we often feel responsible for our children's happiness. So do you want to hear my secret weapon for whining? It's building up my own. Self-esteem because I'm not responsible for my children's happiness and I can't even gift them the happiness, even if I want it to, but happiness can be contagious. So I have to start with me when my kids whine, I start by doing a lot of deep breathing and self-talk in my mind. And this is what it sounds like up there in my head. I tell myself, the kids are expressing normal dissatisfaction. They're okay. They're loved. And they're fed and they're cared for. And most importantly, they're resilient. They can tolerate some discomfort and unhappiness and they'll even grow from it.

Their Okay. We are okay. If showing up every day, doing your best, you still going to get some complaints and expressions of dissatisfaction, maybe a lot of them, but the truth is this job as parents, isn't linear, it's not static. We're never going to figure it out. It's dynamic and constantly changing. Just remember that you are the best parent for your child, and you're already doing so much better than, you know. So let me challenge you, just sit there with the whining and be okay with it.

It's not easy, but getting comfortable with it is going to help you persevere and keep your calm. And most days that's the biggest part of this job. So I want to hear from you, how do you manage whining? Did this episode resonate with you, take a screenshot of yourself, listening to it and post it up to your Instagram stories and tag me as always thanks so much for tuning in. And if you've enjoyed this episode on the podcast, make sure that you hit subscribe and leave a rating or review when you get a moment that helps the show to reach more people. Thanks again, and have a good one.