Screen Time Rules for Kids

Hey, there it's episode 231. There's a good chance that your kids have consumed an increased amount of screen time during the pandemic, whether it's for work or school or pleasure, we've all been home more and we've been utilizing devices in new ways. But what hasn't changed is the self blame and criticism that we place on ourselves for giving our kids too much screen time. So today we're talking all about screen time, why we use screen time in the first place, why some kids seem to need it and want it more than others and whether or not it's our fault. And perhaps most importantly, where do you go from here? How do you start making change?

I'm glad to have you here. And I hope you love this episode. Hi, this is Denaye. I'm the founder of Simple Families. Simple Families is an online community for parents who are seeking a simpler and more intentional life. In this show, we focus on minimalism with kids, positive parenting, family wellness, and decreasing the mental load. My perspectives are based in my firsthand experience, raising kids, but also rooted in my PhD in child development. So you're going to hear conversations that are based in research, but more importantly, real life. Thanks for joining us.

Hi there. Thanks so much for tuning in. We are talking all about screen time today, back in episode 145. If you go to simplefamilies.com/episode145, I did an episode on why some kids turn into angry zombies with screen time. We haven't listened to that one. I suggest you check that one out in that episode. I tell you that I've had a very difficult relationship with screen time. And my kids finding a balance has felt impossible at many points in time. I know firsthand how this topic, which is seemingly simple, can feel so complex. So I want you to listen to this episode in full. If you have questions, if it's something that you want to explore deeper, then join us this Saturday, August 22nd, I'm hosting a live chat where I'm happy to answer your questions and troubleshoot making time changes in your family. So if you want to join us, it's free. Go to simplefamilies.com/screens to reserve your spot spaces limited.

So make sure you register again. That's simplefamilies.com/screens this Saturday, August 22nd at 10:30 AM Eastern, bring your coffee or tea or whatever suits you and join me for a live chat, simplefamilies.com/screens to register and reserve your place. So let me start by saying that there are whole books dedicated on this topic, and I have admittedly not read any of those books and stuff. This episode is based on my background in child development theory and research, along with my own personal experience, which is pure trial and error. I'll tell you that this is an area where I feel like there's been a lot of error on my part and a constant search for balance screen time is an area that I'm always striving to let go of my old internalized core beliefs. What our core beliefs, core beliefs are beliefs that live within us sometimes out of our awareness that we should or shouldn't do certain things in certain ways.

Sometimes we accumulate these core beliefs from our upbringing. Sometimes we accumulate them through our communities, the way that we see others operating and parenting. And sometimes we adapt these core beliefs through social media, through the ways that we observe others are allegedly living their lives. So many of you listening may have this core belief that good parents don't let their kids have too much screen time. You might even believe that good parents don't let their kids have any screen time, right? Perhaps you have internalized this message, quantity of screen time that your child consumes somehow some way correlates with the quality of your parenting. I know that I've heard this message from my earliest days of my first pregnancy. I indulged in books on brain development that how did the benefits of going screen-free in the early years. Therefore in the first years of my Parenthood journey, my son, my first child screen-free and then I had baby number two.

And when I had baby number two or prior to when I had baby number two, I had it all planned out. I set up the new nursery with an extra wide rocking chair so that my toddler son could rock with me while I nurse the baby. I arranged this really beautiful reading corner in her room so that he could relax and flip through books while I got his sister ready for naps. But as it turns out, those preparations would mostly be rooted in idealism, because my toddler wanted nothing to do with anything other than crawling all over me while I was tending to the baby's needs. So when I realized that there was no reading nook or rocking chair, that would keep him contained and safe for the time that I did needed to focus on this new baby, I decided I was going to introduce screen time.

Now that's not to say that it's impossible to raise children without screens. I know people do it all the time. This is just my experience. Perhaps for some children, these quiet activities would work, but they didn't work for my child. So when I introduced screen time, I felt an incredible amount of guilt, likely rooted in that deep core belief that I had that good parents don't let their kids watch screens, especially good parents. Don't let their toddlers watch TV. And because of these strong core beliefs that I held around screen time and children, I constantly felt like I wasn't measuring up to these ideals that I laid out for myself. And if you've ever felt like that, you know that it sucks spending your days working as hard as you possibly can and feeling like you're never measuring up sound familiar to anyone. So I started to let my son watch a 20 minute show each time that I needed to get his sister down for a nap, which was several times a day, that 20 minutes allowed me to focus on nurturing her and get to know her sleep and feeding rhythms.

Those 20 minute mini breaks gave me room to breathe. I needed those 20 minute breaks. And if I could rewind the clock and give myself some advice, it would be this. Give yourself grace, you are doing your best. And that is more than good enough. So if you aren't feeling good about your kid's screen use, you can make a change. And that's what we're talking about today. The do's and don'ts of screen time rules for kids. I want to start with talking about uncovering your why. As parents, there's a reason why we give our children screen time. And if the amount of screen time that we give our kids doesn't feel quite right. We need to look further at why we're permitting it. There's many technology savvy families out there that feel like children need to learn how to use screens early so that they don't fall behind.

Now there's very little research or information that actually validates this concern. In fact, most current technology is so intuitive that children can figure out how to manipulate it within minutes of picking it up, falling behind in technology know-how should not be a concern ever children catch up incredibly fast. Now in contrast, there's a lot of parents who give excess screen time because they just need a break parenting in this generation can feel like a heavy burden due to the pressures that we place on ourselves. If you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed and burnout, you're probably leaning heavier on screen time. I know Eileen heavier on it. During those times, if you don't have any child free time, you might be using screen time as a babysitter to get some breathing room.

So ask yourself, what is your, why? Why do you give your kids screen time? Perhaps you need an actual human babysitter, or perhaps maybe you need to work fewer hours and your mind is distracted as a result. Perhaps you need to sleep more and you're tired. But if none of these things are possible, give yourself grace, let your kids watch TV, give them screen time. Can you chip away at some of these underlying reasons that you lean heavily on screen time? Yes you can. But Rome wasn't built in a day. Let go of the guilt. Take baby steps forward toward caring for your own wellbeing. Because when you take care of yourself, you will be better able to take care of your children. And I have a feeling that most of you listening today are probably falling into this category. Those of you who are using screen time as a break, and that's okay.

Now, if you aren't happy with the way that screen time is going down in your house, try to avoid shaming. The children who are screen seekers. Now I learned this lesson the hard way. Three years ago, my family moved across the country. I had a one-year-old and a three-year-old and I was running a business and it was a full-time mom. The summer of our move was really rough. And my stress levels were probably higher than ever. And my bandwidth was probably lower than ever. The rate of screen use and frozen. So meals skyrocketed. I'll never forget. One day, my son, I saw sitting on a bench in front of our house and his head was hanging and he looked so ashamed. I asked him what's wrong. And he said, I know you don't like me watching TV, but I really love TV. And at that moment it hit me.

He felt ashamed for enjoying television. That really sucked realizing that I had been shaming my child for enjoying screens. Something that I also enjoy. The hard truth is that humans love screens. They bring us joy and entertainment, both young and old. So should we limit screen time? Yes. Should we shame our kids for enjoying screen time? No. So how do we get a handle on requests for screen time schedule it I'm really conscientious to no longer shame my children's requests for screen time. That means I don't sigh heavily every time they request that actually I really sigh like that all the time. My kids it's brought that to my attention that I have a big heavy sigh and I've been trying to be more careful about it, but I also don't say things like, Oh my gosh, don't you care about anything other than the iPad.

Instead, I try to acknowledge the appeal. I say something like watching movies and shows is really fun. I can understand why you enjoy it so much. I like it too. But as your mom, it's my job to keep your brain and your body healthy. And to do that, I have to make sure that you're moving your body and using your brain as much as possible. So we aren't going to have any more screen time today because I have to do my, some of you might recognize the job description statement from my list of simple sayings, the 10 things that I say to my kids all the time, if you don't have that list to go to simplefamilies.com/simple-sayings, it's a great list, definitely a keeper. So even when you're doing your job, it can still feel exhausting to constantly field requests for screen time.

But I have found that these requests significantly diminish. When I schedule screen time, my children know that each day after lunch, they have 30 minutes of quiet time in their bedrooms. And then they get to watch television pre pandemic. They were getting about 45 minutes of screen time or TV a day. But all the stay at home time has boosted it up to two hours a day. And I'm okay with that scheduled. When children know that it's coming, they can stop wondering and asking. I will often draw in our screen time on there family bullet journal so that my kids can have a visual understanding of where it fits into our day. If you don't have that, you can go to simplefamilies.com/bulletjournal. For whatever reason, when I schedule it, I feel so much less guilty. I feel like I'm being intentional about it.

If I need two hours, I scheduled two hours. If I need more, I schedule more, but I'm not giving it on a whim. I'm not giving it because my kids are driving me crazy. I'm giving it because I intended to give it. And that act of intention or thoughtfulness I put into scheduling it and planning for it allows me to drop the guilt. Now, if you need four hours a day to work, then schedule four hours a day. If you are without childcare and you have to work to provide for your family and you need long periods of uninterrupted time, use screen time as you need it, but schedule it. So it's offered predictably. I encourage you to understand why you need the screen time. And if your family is in a period of crisis or transition where this is the only option, give yourself grace.

Actually, if no matter what crisis or no crisis, give yourself grace, your kids are going to be okay. We can have a tendency to blame ourselves, but reality is some kids seek screens more than others. If your kids seek screens and beg for them, don't blame yourself. Different brains, seek different things. Dopamine is an important chemical messenger. It causes all of us to seek out novelty and stimulation and enjoyable experiences. I have one child that seeks out screens nearly, constantly, or at least it feels like that on some days. But my other child has never asked for a screen in her life. I am of no fault for the former. And I take no credit for the latter. The reality is our brains are each unique in their design. Some of our brains are easily satisfied with lower levels of stimulation. Other minds are more dopamine or novelty seeking, and they long for a quick, easy, enjoyable experience like screen time.

Have you ever hid in the bathroom on Instagram for five minutes? Well, without knowing it, you were probably grabbing a quick and easy dopamine fix another way. Get that dopamine fix would be to jump rope for five minutes because physical activity has a similar effect on the brain. When was the last time that you hit in the bathroom and jumped rope for five minutes? Probably never. Because as humans, we tend to take the path of least resistance and it shouldn't surprise us that our kids also lean on the quick and easy sources of stimulation like screen time. So it truly is more about the way that our brain is designed rather than a personality flaw. So I like to talk to my kids about brain development and I keep it really simple. As I already said, I make sure to talk to my kids about my job, keeping them healthy and safe and to do this job, I have to make sure that their brains and bodies are moving and exercising at this point with the research that we have, this is really the most important reason that we limit screen time.

The research is still out on the specific negative implications of excess screen time. Does the screen itself harmed children? Aren't exactly sure. But what we do know is that if children are watching screens, they generally aren't moving and playing and therefore, among other reasons, it's important to limit screen time so that we can maximize movement and play time. That's how children grow and learn and thrive. But as I've said, we have this tricky dichotomy at play screen. Time is quick and easy, fun, and we humans love it. Both young and old, but our bodies and brains aren't well off. We get too much of it. It's easy to love screens, even though they aren't great for us. This reality is true for us all. It's okay to normalize this when speaking to our kids. And I think we can start to explain the logistics of it.

Here's how I talk about it with my kids in a highly simple kid-friendly way. You'll notice that I always start with normalizing and relating to them. I know you love screen time. It's really fun. I love it too. In fact, there's a chemical in your brain called dopamine. And just like your belly, your dopamine gets hungry. When your belly gets hungry, it can be really easy to fill it up with something like a bag of marshmallows. You don't have to cook them. They taste good. They're easy. Just grab a bag tag, stick them in your mouth. But if you eat a whole bag of marshmallows, you aren't going to feel so good afterwards because marshmallows, aren't great at fueling and growing your body. So just like your belly, when your brain or your dopamine gets hungry, screen time is kind of like that bag of marshmallows. It's easy. It's easy to sit down and fill up on screen time, but screen time. Isn't great for fueling and growing our bodies either. So what are some other ways that we can feed our dopamine when it gets hungry? Well, we can exercise and we can move our bodies, or we can create something with our hands, like Lego or paint. You can build with blocks because remember as your mom, it's my job to make sure to fill you up with healthy food and fill up your time with healthy activities.

This kind of explanation helps to shift away from the shame that children may experience around enjoying screen time. It also helps to recognize when those cravings occur for screen time and that there are other options to fill up that empty time or white space. And this is something that's important for us to recognize as parents too, we have to seek out the middle ground because as parents, we often fear unscheduled time. It's easy to fall into the habit of believing that unscheduled time has to be spent in one of two ways, either in front of a screen or doing a structured activity, like a Pinterest craft or dance lessons, it can feel like your kids need to be doing either or screens or a structured activity. But the truth is unscheduled time should be left. Unscheduled. Our children benefit from unscheduled free time to get bored and play.

This is the middle ground. It's not either screen time or structured activities. Instead, those two things should be the bookends, but the vast majority of time spent in this middle ground. The time for unstructured open play research shows us that when we schedule out all of our children's time, they can fail to develop the executive functioning skills that they need to succeed. What is executive functioning? We talked about this back in episode 194. It's the ability to plan out our days, manage our time and execute complex tasks. Executive functioning is essential for managing our daily life and developing self-control. Now, if a child grows up in an atmosphere where time is spent doing either screens or highly scheduled activities, they miss out on this middle ground, the unstructured time necessary to practice and flex those muscles that build these highly valuable executive functioning skills.

If you have children who currently exist in this either or state of mind, understand that it will take time and effort to move towards appreciating this middle ground. It won't always be easy. Dealing with boredom. Never is, but it will be worth it. Now I feel about not using screen time as a reward for good behavior. And I also feel strongly about not threatening to take screen time away, due to bad behavior. If you're currently doing this, don't feel shamed. Don't feel bad. You have to make the right decision for your family, but just hear me out on this. I urge you to schedule screen time and make it a regular part of your day. But using it as a token that is dependent on behavior starts to elevate the importance of it. If you aren't comfortable with the amount of screen time that your kid has already do, you really want to place it on a pedestal and make it a reward having screen time is okay. You shouldn't be ashamed if you enjoy it, but it also shouldn't be something that kids are working towards obtaining. It shouldn't be something that's held in the highest regard. Screen-time is already something that our brains naturally enjoy and seek. And as parents, we don't need to add extra importance to screens through using it for behavior change.

Now, that being said, I do think it's okay to naturally pattern screen time into your day. Here's an example of how we do that. My kids get screen time after lunch. Now, if I told them that they could go watch TV after eating, they would eat two bites and run to the living room. So instead after lunch, we have quiet time. They're not in a rush to do quiet time. So they said any of their food, just fine following lunch. They know that they need to do 30 minutes of quiet time in their rooms first, and then they can have TV. Now this didn't come easily. I talked about how we moved towards this in episode 208 TV absolutely motivates my kids to do quiet time without that motivator. I'm sure they would give me a hard time about doing it, but they've come to understand that this is just how our days look.

First, we do quiet time. And then we have TV time. If you need your kids to accomplish some tasks that are a struggle, like quiet time or finishing their schoolwork set the expectation that first you do those things. And then you get TV time. Let it become a natural rhythm in your day, rather than a reward that they earn for completing a task. This way, the sentiment is different screen time. Isn't something that they're working for. It's just a regular thing that we do just like dinner comes before bed and we brush our teeth before we leave the house. It's not a reward nor threat, but it, but the timing can be used intentionally during the day. Now I know that it feels like screen time, calms kids down. It does in fact help them to hold still. But we have to pay attention to our kids' energy because a wiggly kid needs the time and space to move rather than to sit down and hold still.

Their behavior is sending us a message. Even if they aren't saying it with their words, a wiggly kid is telling us with their behavior that they need to move. Now, if you put a wiggly kid who needs to move in front of a TV, they'll probably hold it together for the duration of what you're, whatever they're watching. But it's likely that that need for movement is going to come out again. As soon as they're done, possibly even stronger. So let's get them moving rather than trying to get them to hold. Still. Let's listen to what their behavior is telling us that they need. So if TV is your babysitter right now, that's okay. It won't always be this way and you can make a change moving forward. The way that screen time operates in your house right now is not a life sentence. You can make a change at any point don't give up.

Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right for your family. You are the adult with the fully developed brain. You understand the implications of screen time for your children. It's crucial for you to make decisions in the best interest of your kids. Even if they don't like it, don't be afraid of lowering the stimulation levels. Find some slower paced, calmer options for apps and shows. You make the decisions about what your children consume. If you're tired of them, watching those crappy toy infomercials on YouTube, then put an end to it. You are steering the ship again. They may not always like it. For example, in our house, the kids aren't allowed to watch fighting shows, which eliminates like 90% of kids television. It seems they don't like it, but they've learned to deal with it. Be brave and make the change that is needed for your family.

But don't let yourself get overcome with guilt. If your kids have more screen time than you like right now, give yourself some grace. Your kids are going to be okay when the time is right and you have the energy or the bandwidth or the childcare. You're going to be able to cut back. If anything I've said in this episode resonates with you and you want to talk more about it. I'd love to have you join me on Saturday, August 22nd for our free live chat. We're going to be talking all about screen time and the things we discussed in this episode. So go to simplefamilies.com/screens, and you can register there and space is limited. So do it soon. I'd love to chat more with you about this as always thank you for tuning in, and I appreciate your support. If you've enjoyed this episode, take a screenshot while you're listening to it and post that up to your Instagram stories, making sure that you tag me so I can reshare it. And when you have a minute, please leave a rating and review on iTunes that helps the show to reach more people. Next week, we're going to be talking all about whining and you might need that after cutting back on screen time. All right, have a good one.