Hard Decisions

The fear of upsetting your kid. Sometimes as parents, we have to make hard decisions for our kids decisions that they don't like decisions that upset them. We're talking about that tension that you feel between what your child wants to do or wants from you and what you actually need to do this tension can quickly turn into fear. Fear that if you have to make a hard decision, they're going to whine or they're going to be disappointed, or they might cry. Perhaps they might even be traumatized. I hear this one a lot from you all. Here's where I feel like it gets confusing. We're all striving to be responsive, respectful parents. We want to honor our children's individuality. We want to honor their choices. We want to empower them to make important decisions in their own lives, but our kids don't have fully developed reasoning skills. They can't fully see through the implications of their decisions. They can't always understand our rationale. They often live in the moment. That's why we, as adults with fully developed brains and decision-making skills and credit cards have to continue to act as their brain managers, as they grow to oversee the decisions.

And that's what we're talking about today. Making hard decisions on behalf of the whole family that may upset one or all of your kids. I'm going to share a list of ways that this tension has popped up in my own life recently. And I'll give some imperfect examples of how I've handled it. Hi, this is Denaye. I'm the founder of Simple Families. Simple Families is an online community for parents who are seeking a simpler more intentional life. In this show, we focus on minimalism with kids, positive parenting, family wellness, and decreasing the mental load. My perspectives are based on my firsthand experience, raising kids, but also rooted in my PhD in child development. So you're going to hear conversations that are based in research, but more importantly, real life. Thanks for joining us.

Thanks for tuning in. And I want to thank Joy Spring vitamins for sponsoring today's episode. My family is relatively new, to Joy Spring. We just started using this product a couple of weeks ago, but my kids love it. Joy Spring offers a variety of liquid formulas that focus on providing sugar-free support from herbal extracts. I'm not kidding my kids line up awaiting for them, and I don't mind the switch away from gummy vitamins because it makes teeth brushing so much easier in the evenings. Joy Spring focuses on providing natural support for your kids in all stages. From the sleepless nights to the back to school, focus, remedy along with protecting them from common colds hanging around during the winter. I do love the liquid formula of the joy spring vitamins, but they offer different formats as well. I encourage you to give them a try, go to joyspringvitamins.com and use the code "simple families" for 20% off at checkout. That's joyspringvitamins.com and use the code "simple families" at checkout. That'll give you 20% off.

I want to remind you that this Thursday, October 29th, we are kicking off the final round of the mental unload for this year. The mental unload is my renowned program on improving your wellbeing and partnership while reducing mental clutter. It's a seven day program that I run three times each year. The mental unload can transform your mindset because mental clutter and Parenthood is a very real thing. And you can absolutely lighten your load. I've taught this simple systematic four-step plan to over 2000 parents. And I know as a wife and mother, I get it. I've experienced all the feels, the overwhelm, the resentment, the worry that irritability the stress. And that's why I designed this program. It starts this Thursday, October 29th, and the program content gets delivered over the first seven days. But the private community and I are available for 30 days as you move through at your own pace and you can participate anywhere in the world.

We start on Thursday, go to simplefamilies.com/unload to grab your spot. That's simplefamilies.com/unload and our topic for today. The fear of upsetting our kids may in fact, be on your mental load. I know that I often find it on mine. I don't know about you, but I fairly often find that I have to make hard decisions for my family, decisions that my kids don't like, whether it's decluttering the toys saying no to a television show that they love, or even moving towards no gift birthday parties. And I'm going to talk about all those examples today. As I like to say frequently, we are the adults with the fully developed brains that decision-making skills and credit cards, but we also don't like feeling like jerks. And I know that sometimes when I have to say no to my kid, I ended up kind of feeling like a jerk.

It is absolutely important to include our kids in the decision-making process. They need to practice weighing the pros and cons of decisions. They need to feel empowered to make choices for themselves. They need to know that we respect them, but there are also times when we have to make decisions that they don't entirely understand. And don't entirely agree with. I love this quote by Greg McKeown, the author of essentialism. He said, anyone can talk about the important of focusing on the things that matter most, but to see people who dare to live it is rare. And I think that's true. It takes courage to stand up for the things that matter most, even when it's just to our kids.

So I'm going to give you some examples of that tension and ways that I felt it, the tension between what I know I should do versus what my kids want me to do. This parenting stuff. Isn't for faint of heart. I will tell you that now in the grand scheme of things in our world, these examples are going to feel small. But sometimes even the small things to our kids can feel like their whole world. So I put together a list of nine ways that I feel like my decisions have upset my kids over the course of the past year. I'm sure there are far more than this, but these are just a few that stood out to me.

Okay. The first one I told my son that he couldn't do cello lessons. My son loves music and we had been planning on putting him into lessons to learn a musical instrument. We took him to a few demo lessons to observe. We even got him measured, started making plans for when he was going to start. And then we had a bunch of unexpected home costs all arrived around the same time. We had a tree that grew into our plumbing. We had to chop the tree down. We had to dig up the yard, reroute the drain pipes. It was just a big mess. And it was really expensive. And my husband and I took a long, hard look at our spending plan, which had talked about back in episode 216. That's simplefamilies.com/espisode216, spending plan also known as a budget and decided that cello lessons just weren't going to fit into the budget.

So there's that tension between what I know I should do versus what my kid wants me to do. I knew that for the betterment of our whole family and our finances, the cello lessons, just weren't a good idea. So after all that preparation and anticipation, I had to tell him that we were not doing cello lessons, which sucked and felt crappy and disappointing. And on many levels, I felt like I probably should have planned better before I got his hopes up, but it happened and he was sad. And how did I explain it to him? I told him the truth. I took him outside. I showed him the tree. I showed him the pipes. I told him it was really expensive and that money is a finite thing. It doesn't quite literally grow on trees. So it did feel like I was breaking a promise to him and an agreement that I made with him.

But it also felt like I was teaching him, teaching him the importance of making hard decisions, teaching him the importance of feeling and sitting with disappointment. So it was a learning experience for both of us. We're all just doing the best we can with the resources that we have available. And it's okay to admit to our kids if we don't have the resources available, whether the time resources or the financial resources, whatever it is.

All right. Number two is I made them take a hike. Now we take our kids on lots of hikes. My daughter is a pretty enthusiastic hiker. My son is a less enthusiastic hiker, which I've talked about before. And if you ever asked him, if he wanted to go on a hike, he would 100% of the time. Say no. However, we made a family decision that we were going on a hike. We didn't ask him. We told him because I know how important it is for humans to be outdoors, and to be active and to spend time in nature. It's part of our family value set, it's for health and wellbeing. And now as an adult, I feel like I can feel the immediate benefits of taking a hike and how good I feel afterwards, but kids can't always realize those benefits, not so probably at least. And they can be reluctant to get started.

However, 99% of the time, my son comes out of those hikes with a smile on his face. So, even if he can't articulate the benefits of taking a hike. I know that he's feeling them. So, the hardest decision here was that I made my kids do something they didn't necessarily want. And I do and I did it because I knew it was good for them.

Number three, is I decluttered their toys? I shared this Instagram earlier this week, but my kids have been getting into Pokemon and I got them some cards. They probably have like a hundred cards each and my son who is a meticulous organizer takes really good care of them. But my daughters have been literally all over the house from one end of the house to the next she's only four. She's really too young for Pokemon cards, but she really wanted them because my son had them and she does love playing with them, but they are a disaster. So after seeing the mess that she was making with them. So my gut reaction was to pull out the old school.

If you don't take care of these things, I'm gonna throw them away. But I paused and tried it to better understand what was going on and what her behavior was telling me and heard behavior was telling me that I had given her more than she can handle. My four year old can not handle taking care of 100 cards. So I sat down on the floor with her and I asked her to pick her 10 favorites, and I let her keep those, the others I put up high in a pile. And I told her if she wanted to see those, that we could look at them together.

Is that what she wanted? Did she, you want me to confiscate 90% of her Pokemon cards? No, definitely not. However, I've already seen the benefits of this, those remaining 10 Cards that she has. She can easily clean up. She doesn't always clean them up, but it's much easier. She has fewer and she's going to learn to take care of those cards much easier than if she had at a hundred. It wasn't punitive. It was me looking out for her best interest. It was also me realizing that I made a mistake and I gave her too many, me teaching her that when you have fewer, and those fewer cards are your favorite, you take better care of them.

When it comes to my kids and their stuff, I do feel strong conviction to only give them as much as they can handle, because what happens when I overwhelmed them with stuff, it ends up everywhere and they can't take care of it. And then I run the, that I end up shaming them for the mess that they've made, inadvertently of course. So I want to set them up for success, but it's unlikely. They're really going to be able to see my true vision and understand my rationale for this. But I do give them a simplified version and I say, pick out your 10 favorite cards. That way you're going to be able to see the ones that you love and take care of these really easily.

I'm going to hang on to the rest and put them up high. If you want to see them or use them, let me know. And we can look at them together. And she handled it really, really well. She almost seemed a little relieved. And I will tell you that that reaction is not unusual.

Number four is that I had to cancel a visit with family. My kids had been looking forward to their cousins coming to visit for weeks. It was on our calendar. They were counting down the days. It was the most highly anticipated event of this fall. And two days before the visit, my brother called me to tell me that the kids had a slight cough and he left it up to me as to whether or not they should still come and visit. This was simultaneously a very easy decision and a very hard decision.

I knew that my kids were going to be devastate stated about canceling the visit, maybe even completely heartbroken. But I also know, I knew that if by small chance they picked up a cough or a cold, whether it was COVID or not that they'd be out of school for a week and I'd be out of work for a week. And any other kids at school that they come into contact with may also be out of school for a week or so. And their parents might be out of work for a week or so. So I had to make the really hard, crappy parenting decision, which was to do the responsible thing and discipline my kids. Like I said, parenting is not for the faint of heart, right?

Five is I had to say no to a television show. I don't always observe my kids. When they're watching TV. They generally stick to Netflix kids or PBS kids. And most of the stuff is pretty acceptable, but one show, I just really don't like is Alvin and the chipmunks. And they had been watching a few episodes of it and I overheard it. And I just really didn't like the way that the chipmunks were talking to each other felt very nineties-ish, go figure, just kind of name calling, talking down to each other. Doesn't sit that well with me. So even though they had been watching it and they loved it, I told them they weren't allowed to watch it anymore. And sometimes setting limits on things that we formerly allowed can feel hard, can feel hard for kids to understand why was it okay last week, but it's not okay now, but we're allowed to change our minds. And that's an important lesson here, remembering that as a parent, you're allowed to change your mind, you're allowed o re-evaluate your decisions, and often we need to.

Number six is I took personal space. When my kids were climbing all over me. You know, you have the moments when everybody just wants to be basically on top of you. And do you feel like you're about to explode? And sometimes I feel like that, like I just need some physical space to breathe. And when that happens, there are sort of two alternatives in this situation. Either I can continue to let my kids crawl all over me until I explode, because I'm so frustrated by it. Or I can simply say, Hey, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I need some personal space. Can you please go sit right here? And I'll sit right here. It's okay to set personal boundaries and limits. And when our kids see us doing this, it helps to empower them to do the same as they get older.

You may not always feel like being touched. And if you don't that's okay, chances are your kids feel the same, or they may feel the same as they get older. So what you're modeling for them is actually an important lesson by setting these boundaries and limits.

Number seven is no gift birthday parties. We have always done no gift birthday parties, but every year it feels like a new year. And I have to explain again to my kids about why we don't have their friends bring gifts to them at the parties. And of course my kids are pro gifts. I mean, what child is not pro gifts, but it's something that aligns with our family values and something that's important for me personally, to stick with. And here's how I explain it to my kids. I say your birthday is a time to celebrate the wonderful year that you've had.

We spend time with family and with friends and people we love. And we celebrate by spending time together. And we don't need gifts to do that. The people in our lives and their presence is a gift. Now I wouldn't expect a kid to really understand or adapt this value on their own. It is something that is driven by the adults. And although I wouldn't say that my kids are in agreement or if I gave them a choice, it wouldn't be the decision that they would make, but I wouldn't a hundred percent see the value in sticking with this. When we have birthday parties, my kids are absolutely focused on the people on the relationships. There's no side eyeing for gifts begging to open the gifts, making a list of the gifts, taking the physical stuff out of the equation has truly let them focus on what matters the most.

And when it comes to our birthday, that celebrating the life and the year that we've had and the year to come. Now that's not to say that. I think there's a problem with birthday gifts or having parties with birthday gifts. This is just part of our own individual value set. And I think that if it's something that you do want to work towards, and you've had gifts at birthday parties in the past, you can make this change, but it will be a decision that your kids are probably not going to be that excited about. But if it's something that's important and you see the long-term benefits and the long-term potential of it, then I encourage you to stick with it. Don't live in fear of upsetting your kids. If it's something that's important.

Number eight, but not least this isn't really a decision that I made, but something that I've been doing, that's been infinitely frustrating, my daughter, or actually a lack of something I haven't been doing. That's infinitely been frustrating my daughter. So everyday, lately we've been in joined the fall weather and I pick her up from school and we go for a little hike on that Appalachian trail. And with the beautiful fog colors, I said, Oh, we should bring some paints and paint these colors. And she was super excited. And now every single day for the past, I don't know, five to seven days that I've picked her up from school, I've opened the door. And she said, did you bring the paints? And I have forgot every single day, every single day.

And the moral of this story is that I'm imperfect. And I think it's okay for my kids to see that I'm not always going to get it right. I'm going to change my mind. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to disappoint them. And I'm not going to live in fear of any of that because I'm human. As a child. It was very verbal, very early or so I'm told.

And as a result, I think that I have earlier memories than many do. There is a research, I haven't read this research. I've just heard about this research, which makes sense to me, that kids who are verbal earlier have earlier memories because they can retrieve those memories easier. So if you have a child who doesn't really start talking until they're three, it's going to be hard for them to recall those memories later in life, because they didn't have language to store those events.

When they occurred at that age. Now their bodies still retains memory. Their sensory system can retain memory much earlier. They can remember visually seeing something, smelling something, hearing something, or feeling something. This is why kids, who were abused in the very early years of life still have repurcussion later. So, if I'm making sense here, children, like I was, who were very verbal, very young tend to be able to be more descriptive about early memories because these children can retrieve those memories in words, versus the other children might only be able to retrieve those memories in their senses, which is harder to translate into language later.

Anyway, so back to the story when I was three or four, probably I was riding in the car with my mom and I asked her who was singing the song on the radio. And she said, she didn't know. And I said, well, what do you mean you don't know? And she said, I don't know, who's singing it. And it was this like aha moment, maybe even a little bit of a moment of disappointment that I was realizing for the very first time that my mother didn't know everything and that she was imperfect. And I've always carried that with me and remembered that. And I think as a result have made a real conscious effort to show my kids how human I am from the very beginning and to set their expectations for that, because I don't know everything and I'm not always going to make the right decision and I'm going to mess up. And so are they, I think the more that they see us really living and experiencing those things, the more they are going to feel that permission to do the same.

I hope you've enjoyed this episode today. If you've been making hard decisions, decisions that your kids may or may not agree with, or like, I'd love to hear from you screenshot yourself, listening to this episode and tag me in your Instagram stories, share any comments or questions that you might have. I'd love to hear from you as always. Thanks for tuning in, have a good one.