Spilling Anger

In this wild and crazy year of 2020, there's no denying that every family across the world is facing stress and overwhelm. And this stress and overwhelm is going to invariably impact our mood. When we're feeling pushed to our limits, we're going to get angry, we're going to get irritable, and it's going to spill out onto the people that we love, including our kids, including our partners. One question that I get a lot, especially from women from mothers is how do I stop yelling? Now I don't think there's any easy answer to this. So today I'm going to share just one thing. One thing that's working in our house. When we talk about anger and frustration and irritability, as with most things, I don't think we should strive for perfection. I don't think we should strive to have a happy, bubbly mood all the time. Our kids need to know that we're real humans and they need to know that it's okay to experience all these emotions. And despite your best efforts, you will absolutely experience all the emotions with your kids at different points in time.

So in this episode, we'll talk about processing those feelings and talking with kids about how we manage them ourselves. Hi, this is Denaye. I'm the founder of simple families. Simple families is an online community for parents who are seeking a simpler more intentional life. In this show, we focus on minimalism with kids, positive parenting, family wellness, and decreasing the mental load. My perspectives are based in my firsthand experience, raising kids, but also rooted in my PhD in child development. So you're going to hear conversations that are based in research, but more importantly, real life. Thanks for joining us.

Hi there. Thanks so much for tuning in. I have a short episode for you to seek because I really just want to own in on one thing, that's really working well in our house. I'll start by saying there's been a lot of stress and overwhelm for us. And the past few weeks in particular, we put our house on the market. My kids started school. I'm not generally a yeller, but when I'm facing a lot of stress and a lot of overwhelm, it almost directly translates into anger and irritability. And as with most things, prevention is the most effective tool. Figuring out what's driving these intense emotions. If you're yelling a lot, if you find that you're angry a lot, taking a deeper look at your own wellbeing, are you feeling unsupported? Are you feeling overwhelmed? There's a good chance that you are managing stress and overwhelm and getting the support that we need is probably the very best way to yell less. But those things aren't always within our direct control. Those aren't always things that we can directly change overnight.

Can we, and should we decrease stress and overwhelm? Yes, can we introduce slow down and simplify our lives? Yes, but it's a process. And in that process, on that journey, you know, this journey to being human, we're going to yell, we're going to get angry, and then we're also going to feel guilty about it. When I get angry and I get frustrated with my kids, I want them to walk away with two things. Number one, sometimes we get frustrated with each other, but we still love each other. If you've been listening to the podcast for long, you know that this is a phrase I say over and over again with my kids, whenever we get into any kind of dispute, sometimes we get angry with each other, but we still love each other. And maybe it seems obvious, but for a young child with black or white thinking, it's important because when we get angry and if we yell at them, sometimes they feel like our love can be turned off like a light switch.

So, using a statement like this reaffirms to them that it's okay to get angry with the people that we love. It's okay to simultaneously feel two things, anger and love towards the same person, which can be hard for a young brain to interpret the second thing that I want my kids to walk away with from these circumstances, which is really what I want to focus on today is I want them to know that my anchor and irritation is more than just this moment. Yes, you just stuck stickers all over the walls of our house, and I'm pretty angry and irritated about it. And I yelled at you, but you know what? It's not just about the stickers. It's about the fact that it stormed all night, last night and I barely slept. So I'm sleep deprived. It's about the fact that we had 25 showings on our house last week and keeping it so clean that it looked like nobody even lived here was incredibly stressful.

It's about adjusting to this new back to school routine in the midst of a pandemic. It's about a lot more than just the stickers. How do we simply communicate to our kids that when we get angry and frustrated and we lose our cool and we blow our fuse, it's not all their fault. There are other environmental circumstances in our world that are contributing to that stress and overwhelm, which bring about the irritability and the anger. There's more to it than just this moment. It's not just about the stickers. I'll say that this is a pretty high level concept for young brains to process. It's actually a kind of a high level concept for adult brains to process as well. You know, have you ever had a bad day at work? and it kind of spills over into your home life. You're stressed out because you missed a deadline, and all of a sudden you're yelling at your partner when you get home, anger and irritability spills out and it spills onto the people that we love the most.

So here's what I've been doing with my kids and the way that I've been talking with them about it, I've been taking this spilling analogy and making it visual. Now, I only did this visual part one time. And after that, we've just referenced it and talked about it. I took my kids to the sink and I had them cup their hands and I put a mug over their hands. And I started slowly filling the mug with water, explaining there's so much going on in our lives right now. Sometimes we get filled up with a lot of stress. Like last night, I washed your tennis shoes and I forgot to dry them. Now your shoes are all wet and you don't have any shoes to wear to school. And I feel frustrated about that, I also have an important interview today, and I'm worried that I'm going to say the wrong thing and I didn't sleep good last night. So I'm really tired. And the whole time that I'm explaining some of these simplified stressors to them, I'm filling up the cup until the cup starts to overflow and it starts to spill onto them. And then I said, do you see how sometimes my frustration and my anger and all the things going on in my life spill onto you. I don't mean to pour it onto you, but when it overflows, sometimes it happens. So I did this with my kids one time, and it's been amazing to see them using the analogy.

My husband got frustrated with my son yesterday morning, getting ready for school about something. And he said to me, as he was getting his shoes on, Papa's anger spilled onto me this morning. He could see that my husband was distracted and he was trying to accomplish other things and started to recognize that some of that spillage was a by-product of other stuff going on in our lives. Now, I know that many of us are worried about sharing our stressors with our kids, but they feel our stressors. So even if we're not verbally sharing them with them, they know that they're there. You know, if I'm really grumpy today because I didn't sleep well last night telling my kids I'm grumpy today because I didn't sleep well last night helps them to understand why I might not be at my best or saying it's a lot of work and really exhausting to keep the house clean for all of these showings helps them to explain what exactly is going on in my mind.

Because if we don't give our kids some insight into the things that are stressing us out and wearing a stone, we also run the risk that they may extrapolate that they are the reasons that we're stressed out and worn down. And in some ways they may be part of the reasons that we're stressed out or worn down. But there are other things too, there is more than meets the eye. And it's important for them to know that it's not just about the stickers stuck all over the wall, but sometimes the stickers are just what it takes to push us over the edge and to spill that anger out onto our kids. And if it happens, it's okay. Once you start talking to your kids about this, you can say, you know what? I'm sorry, this morning my anger spilled out onto you. I'm going to try not to let my cup get so full, making this a regular part of our conversation.

Coming back to it, referencing this concept is also going to empower our kids to notice and acknowledge when it happens to them too. This is a huge emotional life skill. Being able to notice how stress and overwhelm builds up and sometimes spills onto innocent people around you. So by giving them this simple analogy and talking about these things, they can start noticing it in us and in themselves.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you completely unload and just spill your guts to your kids about everything going on in your brain, but it's okay to keep them in the loop about some of the stuff going on in your lives, and the way that those things make you feel. Our kids read us like picture books. There's no hiding when we're under stress and when we're overwhelmed, but finding ways to talk about it, to help work through it and to help them work through it can be really powerful.

So let me know if you find this episode useful and you try it with your own kids, please screenshot yourself, listening to it and share it to your Instagram stories and make sure you tag me. I want to hear more about your experiences. Thanks so much for tuning in and have a good one.