SFP 176: Conversation With My Husband

In honor of my birthday week, I'm bringing you a casual conversation with my husband David. It's his first appearance on the podcast and we are talking all things love, marriage, and parenting.

Hi, there it's episode 176. And today we have a conversation with my favorite person on earth. My husband.

You are listening to the Simple Families podcast, the Q and A style show that brings you solutions for living well with the family. Here's your host Denaye Barahona. Hi there.

Hey, thank you so much for tuning in. This is episode one 76 of the simple families podcast and it's my birthday week. So in honor of my birthday, we are going to have an interview with my husband. So my husband has never appeared on the podcast before. I wasn't really sure if this was something that you all would be interested in, but I occasionally do research by doing some Google searches to see what people are looking for on the simple families podcast. So I'll search Simple Families and see what's being searched. And then I'll search my name, Denae Barhona, and see what's being searched. And for over a year, the top search coming up is Denaye Barahona husband. So apparently there are some inquiring minds, a lot of inquiring minds who want to know a little bit more about my husband, David, for in today's episode, we're talking a little bit more about who he is, his thoughts on parenting and marriage.

Before we get into today's episode, here is a quick word from the speak sponsor. The sponsor this week is Prep Dish. So what is Prep Dish? Prep Dish is a meal planning service. And I had my doubts about whether I would need something like this. I mean, there's no shortage of online recipes out there, but I found that it was immensely useful to me right away. So the difference between going out onto Pinterest and finding some recipes versus using this meal planning service is that it's already curated for you. So you get the list each week of the recipes that you're going to be making. And at the beginning of the list is the ingredients. You go out, buy your ingredients. You might order them if you do online grocery delivery, and then you have a Prep Day where you spend an hour or two prepping the dishes for the week.

And once you've done all the prepping, all the chopping, all the pre cooking that you can do on dish day, it really just takes 10 or 15 minutes to assemble an amazing home cooked meal. If your kids have a witching hour like mine, this is an amazing option. So I encourage you to try it, go to prepdish.com/families, and you'll get two weeks free. Again. That's prepdish.com/families. Before we get into this episode with my husband, I wanted to announce that we are going to be opening a new round of the mental unload enrollment starts October 31st. And you'll be hearing more about this next week. The mental unload is a short-term program. That's focused on lightening your load, particularly as it comes to Parenthood. This above and beyond is my favorite program that I run. And I would love to have you as a part of it. So stay tuned. This program officially launches again on November 7th, we're doing a pre-holiday to slow down before the busy-ness of the holiday season and enrollment opens. Next week, you can get more details at simplefamilies.com/unload without further ado. Here's my conversation with my husband, David, and we're answering all of your questions.

Denaye Barahona: Hi David, welcome to the show today.

David: Hey Denaye How are you?

Denaye Barahona: Good, I hear you're a long time listener.

David: Uh I, I have been a long time listener, more ways than you can imagine. So thanks.

Denaye Barahona: So you listened to every episode, right? Or at least you tell me you do.

David: No, I do. I do. You do. Okay. Good.

Denaye Barahona: And usually you give me like feedback, Mostly.

David: Solicited or unsolicited positive?

Denaye Barahona: Um,would you say that I take negative feedback Well?

David: No.

Denaye Barahona: I have a lot of room for improvement, especially when it comes from you. For some reason, I, I shut your, your feedback down sometimes. Don't I?

David: It gets you in the right time of day because I, I definitely have picked up on cues of like, Hey, this is not a good time for constructive feedback, so.

Denaye Barahona: Right. Well, and usually when you are giving me feedback on the podcast, my feedback to you is you're not my ideal audience.

David: Okay, point taken.

Denaye Barahona: Great. So you don't this, isn't your typical type of podcast, but you do listen to it because it's mine.

David: Of course.

Denaye Barahona: But you don't listen to any, any other parenting?

David: Uh no, I do not.

Denaye Barahona: so what do you listen to?

David:So my routine is every, so I'm very structured and then I like routine. So every morning on the way to work I listened to the daily and you know, once a week, I'll listen to a business and technology podcast pivot, which is with Kara Swisher and Scott Galloway. Some really good, interesting ideas on the tech world. And then I also listened to sometimes Tim Ferris, I was kind of my first, I would call it like gateway drug into podcasting. And then I kind of listened to a lot of same bility podcasts, more like technical or business related podcasts. And then, you know, the occasional road trips, I listened to kind of like narrative podcasts, but not, not too many parenting. I feel like I get my healthy dose of parenting advice. Yeah. From listening to you once a week. But It's good. Yeah.

Denaye Barahona: Listening to me once a week. That's all you listen to me.

David: Okay.

Denaye Barahona: Selective listening. We'll call it. Okay. So I have a bunch of questions from audience members and I'm going to, I'm not gonna, we're not gonna be able to get to them all, but I'll start with a comment from Emily and Olivia, who said, who's David, your husband all this all this time. And I didn't even know his name. So I guess just explaining that a little bit. I don't use any of my kids' names and I don't use my husband's name, which I'm using it today. David I'm coming clean on that mostly just for privacy. And I feel like it's not necessarily something that it's on a need no basis. So I'm happy to use your name today, but generally speaking, I don't ever use my kids' names. So it's not

David: Lot more people now need to know.

Denaye Barahona: Right. So apparently people have been Googling, wanting to know more about you, which is the, sort of the, the, what, what has driven this recording. So why don't,

David: So I will say though that, you know, there are some professional athletes and celebrities where you type in their names like males, and it would say, you know, I don't know, John Travolta

Denaye Barahona: Really? Yeah. Have you been Googling John Travolta lately?

David: No, I'm just for some weird reason. He was the first person that came to my mind.

Denaye Barahona: Right. So people, I guess people are just curious. Yeah. That makes sense. Okay. So let's start by telling us a little bit about yourself.

David: Yeah. Um I, I guess starting from when I was born I was born in the Washington DC area in Northern Virginia. Went to school with you and OHIO and then came back and worked in the restaurant industry for a couple of years and then went we moved together after we got married to get a graduate degree in MBA out of in Chicago area. And then after that, I'd been working for a large global food and beverage company for the past seven and a half years close to that.

Denaye Barahona: All right. So rewind for a minute and answer the question. How did we meet?

David: How do we meet? So we actually met so I was in a fraternity and I was one of like the pledge president pledge, pledge, class presidents. Basically it, it doesn't really mean anything. But because of that, I went to a Greek leadership program. And when I went there, I saw you and you were there along with a whole bunch of other people. And that's where I first met you, right?

Denaye Barahona: Yeah. So I was in a sorority. You were in a fraternity. I was, we were both 19 when we met and then I think we were 19 and 20 when we started dating. But I instantly knew that you were interesting to me, for some reason I couldn't put my finger on it. And then we went on a date,

David: I'm flattered.

Denaye Barahona: We went on a date and you totally creeped me out. So we didn't talk for a while after that. And then we went on a second date and I'm not sure what drove that second date, but we went on a second date, reach out to him and I reached out to you. Okay. I was a little bit desperate. I needed a date for a sorority event. And I reached out to you and I said, Hey, David, will you come with me on this date?

And then it was after the second date that I knew that I wanted to marry you.

David: Oh wow!

Denaye Barahona: So first date you creeped me out second date.

David: Oh good.

Denaye Barahona: knew at that I'm decisive. So I knew after the second day, and I actually sort of like I kind of hinted at it too, and then not in a way that I wanted you to get it,

David: But I totally understood that. And toy picked up on that day.

Denaye Barahona: No, you didn't because you were a 20 year old male. So then we, we dated for a really long time. I always like to say, I knew on our second date that I wanted to marry you and it took you seven years. So, but I think that's kind of evident in just the way that our brains work and in the way we approach life is,

David: A couple of seasons, for me.

Denaye Barahona: Right? Yeah. I, I'm a fast processor I move quickly and you tend to take more time and be a little bit more intentional about everything in life.

David: Thoughtful.

Denaye Barahona:Thoughtful. Yes. Yeah. So next question is how did you propose?

David: Okay. So we had talked about kind of the next step and, you know, we'd been dating for a while

Denaye Barahona: And by that he means that we've had the S H I T, or get off the pot conversation a couple of times in a polite and kind way. Yes.

David: Um yeah, but w so, and then Denae you went to go study Spanish in Peru for a couple of months. And so I thought, like it was a good time to kind of go to that next step. And then I went to go visit you and on the way there, I decided to bring a ring and propose to you, and I want to do like a super romantic, like, cool way that it would be memorable, you know, very, we could like tell her kids bad. Like I had this very romantic idea of how I was going to do this. And so I was like, okay, what we're gonna do is we're gonna take this awesome outdoor hike. That's like in the middle of the urban Bomba Valley, which is like, you know, super dramatic landscape. And and then when we get down to the hike, it's, I don't know how long it was, like four hours or something like that as long hike. Yeah, we, we get to a hotel then from there we can kind of relax and enjoy like the moment, you know? But what I didn't realize is that it rained a lot going into the hike. So, you know, think of super steep cliffs. The trail was not really marked, it was not in good condition at all. So there was landslides kind of all over the place. And it was like, this is really sketchy.

Denaye Barahona: Right. And the locals all told us as we were approaching the village that don't do this,.

David: No no.

Denaye Barahona: Like, don't go on this site.

David: What are you doing?

Denaye Barahona: Yeah. And I said, okay, well, we're not doing it then. And you pressed on and you said, no, we are doing this.

David: Very, I was very insistent about going down because I'm like, you know, darn it. I'm going to go down the Hill and I'm going to propose to you, or I they're going to find our bodies. And when I have a ring in my pocket and they're going to think, what was he doing, taking his, you know, this woman that he may have been proposing to on this really sketchy hike. But anyways, so I got down on one name, did the traditional, you know, but beforehand I do have to say it beforehand. I did ask your parents. Yeah. That was very important for me. Right.

Denaye Barahona: And we made it out alive. Yeah. Yeah. And we got married about a year later. Did. Yeah. Great. And Now we've been married nine years, nine and a half years.

David: Yeah. And time's flown by.

Denaye Barahona: Right. So tell us, you said a little bit about what you do. Tell us a little bit more about what kind of work?

David: Uh sure. So I am, you know, I did my undergrad and my graduate program in finance. So I'm kind of a numbers guy deal with money and making investments. But what I really was passionate about was sustainability and sustainability kind of means a lot of things to different people and, and what it, you know, what it entails. But really what I try to do is make thrill a little bit better place through making financial decisions as a company. And I try to talk about the business case for sustainability, meaning I try to make the best financial decision while trying to improve the world at a very simple level.

Denaye Barahona: So give us a couple of examples of ways that you all are trying to do better as a food and beverage company.

David: So,uwe're working on within yeah. Uone of the ones I'm really excited about is,usome work that we're doing with some demo farms and agriculture. So not a lot of people will really put the connection between, you know, food and beverage there's kind of package or that's, you know, rarely available that it actually comes from farms and from, you know, from the land. Uso we do a lot of work with small farmers, small holder farmers, all over the globe, mostly in like India, Brazil,uChina and other places,uin emerging markets. And we are really driving to,uimprove the food systems there. So we help farmers learn about the benefits of, of,uyou know, things like drip irrigation. So using a lot less water. Uwe work with them to manage,uyou know, learn about global laws on child safety,uor, you know, child laborers and making sure that there's no child labor involved.

David: Um and we do a lot of work with you know, making sure that we reduce our carbon footprint with farming. So using things like cover crops.

Denaye Barahona: What are cover crops?

David: So cover crops are basically instead of just using I would say it's like an Apple plantation or Apple orchard. You would put other types of crops there, so you don't have to use a lot of fertilizer and a lot of pesticides to, you know, produce a lot of apples. So we work with farmers to actually bring in different crops, to help minimize the use of fertilizers and then agro chemicals.

Denaye Barahona: To do it, no more than tip, reduce pesticide use, and to prevent pests in a more natural way...

David: Yeah, because actually one of the largest greenhouse gas emissions in the world is actually agriculture. So we try to use our practices to help lower greenhouse gas that way.

Denaye Barahona: All right. So the next question comes from Tori interest in, and she said, are you still bitter about the placemats? So let me give a little background on this. I've talked about this a little bit and early in, not even early in the journey started like maybe about a year or so ago, I was washing the placemats on our table after a meal, which if you have small children and you have placemats, you know, that you're usually washing the placemat and you're washing the table around the placement because rarely does the mess actually stay on the placement. And I realized all of a sudden, I said, I asked him, cause I didn't grow up using placemats David grew up using placemats. His family is like very much a placemat family, every meal, every snack, they have a place mat and a plate.

Denaye Barahona: My family never used placemats I don't think we ever even owned placements. So when we got married, we just adapted his way, which was placemats. And I was always fine with it until this, I had this revelation one day where I was watching the placement, I was watching the table and I said, why, what are placements for? And I realized that I had no idea what the fundamental use was, what it was like, why people had placemats, which seems like a silly question. And he's like, well, it's supposed to be so that you don't have to wash the table. You just have to watch the place mat. And like, the mess is contained. And like, but that never happens. So like I'm over the place mats. And we got rid of the placemats and we are now for the time being a placement free family, but I'm kind of open to going back to placements all later in life

David: That I would say though, that I think placemats serve a bigger purpose than just, you know, containing your scraps and food or whatever from the, from the table. So you can minimize, I do think actually they set the tone for meals. Like I, I think they actually pretty, they're nice aesthetically to, you know, put the mat you know, you put the place down, it's very like a nice again, routine. Like everyone helps out like the kids, like as a kid growing up, I knew that I, you know, someone had the job was setting the table. And instead of part of saying, table was putting down, placemats putting down the silverware, the cup of water, you know, the spoon fork, all that good stuff. And I think it just like sets a nice tone of saying like, okay, this is the time where we're going to sit down as a family and not just kind of like run around with like, you know, plates kind of like, okay, we're just going to throw it on the table and let's just start eating the, got it. Sets kind of like a nice, I feel like it's a nice approach to like a very, it kind of finds the time for me. And that's kinda like my own personal history with it, but I know Denaye.

Denaye Barahona: No, I agree with all of that. I think that's all really lovely. I just think an execution, like getting the food on the table is the priority and getting the food off the table and then like getting the children into the bathtub. I feel like it just is more labor intensive to me. It just creates like one more thing that I have to do

David: Older. I think it does set a nice formality too, you know, it's not just like you're in and out of, of, you know, kitchen and with food. So I think it would be a nice thing to kind of have the kids, you know, come set the placemats and have a little bit of structure to our dinner and, you know, but I know that's an uphill battle for me, so we'll see. But definitely I will say for sure, I do get the place mats out for holidays. That's like a note. That's a good non-start. I'll make sure.

Denaye Barahona: He did save some place. That's okay. But they are only used for holidays, exclusively used for holidays, but I'm open to using them again in the future. I'm not ruling out the use of placemats ever, but at this point in my life, I feel like I'm lighting my load a little bit by eliminating placemats. And I think we've just kind of come to agree that there may be a seasonal placement.

David: I'm playing the long game, so I'm going to hold onto them and I'm going to pick my battles when we can take them out. And then we'll, we'll see where it goes.

Denaye Barahona: All right. So Mrs. V Messer asked, do you, did you have to, did Denae have to convince you to simplify or were you told.

David: Totally on board? Oh, I was on board way before you were like, I I've been, I would think that I'm a minimalist at heart, like born and raised.

Denaye Barahona: I feel like you were resistant at first. Well, you were resistant that I was trying to tell you what to do.

David: Uh I don't know. I don't know. I think I was always on the I've always like loved having structure and order and, you know, clean things and like, you know, that's just kind of like, like my spaces are pretty, like if you go to my office, like there's no papers, like fluttered around, like it's like a mouse, a keyboard, you know, some pictures from the kids and rocks from them that we've picked up, like over our travels or, you know, out in woods. But you know, I, I tend to not have a lot of clutter. Like I just have always appreciate it. And maybe that was growing up too. Like, my family has always been very like, you know, or at least, you know, my mother and father, when they were growing up, it's like gotta clean your room. And, you know, the, every living space has to be like super, you know, spotless. And that was just kind of the way that we were.

Denaye Barahona: That's how my parents were too. And it backfired.

David: Yeah. I embraced it and I just like, I feel like, so I was ready for it, but I think it was kind of like an aha moment or maybe not aha, but like, as you were going through your journey to simplicity, I was like, yes, let's do this. Like I'm so onboard. I want to get rid of stuff. Let's, let's do this. Right.

Denaye Barahona: I remember one year for your birthday pre minimalism, when your, for your birthday, I reorganized our coat closet when we lived in Chicago and surprised you with it. And you were like, so excited, this is the best birthday ever.

David: I know. I know.

Denaye Barahona: Um but that didn't stick because organizing was not the solve for my problem. It was having less stuff was what I really needed. Eventually the solution that I came to. And since we've gotten to that point, I would say that our house is generally pretty tidy, not perfectly tidy and I don't strive for it to be perfectly tidy. Would you say that it's generally pretty tidy?

David: It's gotten much better. Yeah, I would say it is, but I mean, there's Def there's definitely like times you it's not, but it's, I'd say it's definitely more tidy than it was call It four years ago or five years ago.

Denaye Barahona: And it's easy to clean up, so things get out and it gets messy. It's really easy to put everything back into place. Yeah.

David: I first met you. You had like, you would love going like TJ max and just buying like a $2 dress or whatever it was and kind of back and like wearing it maybe like a half a night and then never wearing it again.

Denaye Barahona: Okay. Come home and change halfway through the night. Maybe not that bad. Okay. So do you buy gifts for me?

David: Oh, I used to more, but now you've been actually the one who's who's kind of said like, Hey, I, you know, you don't need to give me a gift. So like for your birthday you know, I know this is airing later, but you know, for your birthday coming up I typically don't buy you gifts because either you don't, you know, you won't wear them or you won't use them. And then I know that, you know, I feel like it's kind of not like a slight, but just like, I didn't choose well enough, you know, or that you, it wasn't meaningful for you. I think that's a good thing though. You know, it's almost like it makes it more difficult though.

Like choosing things like it's experiences or they're doing something nice for you, like cooking or, you know, decorating the house. So I've definitely cut back a lot. The last gift I remember giving you is probably actually after our daughter was born, really?

Denaye Barahona: What was that?

David: It was a necklace?

Denaye Barahona: This necklace. That was a Christmas gift.

David: Oh, okay.

Denaye Barahona: But I wear it every single day. Yeah. Right. And I don't ever change it, I guess that's like, for me, like I'd rather have one thing that I really love and just wear it every day and not have to worry about changing it. So it's not like I don't like the earrings that you bought me like two Christmases ago. It's just that I prefer to wear the earrings that I have that I wear most days. And it's just easier to stick with. What's comfortable. And I don't go to the trouble to getting things out. And I also, I'm a huge about function. And you bought me these two pairs of earrings that were like kind of hard to get into my ears. Like I actually had to be in front of a mirror to like get them in and get them hooked in. And they were just, they were kind of complicated,

David: But from a design perspective, they were right. They were amazing.

Denaye Barahona: But from a function perspective, they weren't so much. And just the way that my brain works is that I'm always doing things as, as efficiently and simple as possible. And so to me, it has to be a special occasion to take the time, to put your things in. Cause usually I want your things to take about like 0.5 seconds of my mental and physical energy.

David: But you also from now you definitely told me that. So that's why if you want like a pair of earrings, you were say, well, you know, I'm looking for something very simple or you know, that I could use

Denaye Barahona: Diamonds really big diamond earrings. Oh

David: Yeah. It's simple. Right.

Denaye Barahona: I don't really want gifts. Like I feel like I have everything that I need and I just really don't want for much.

David: Make it so super Hard. Cause like,

Denaye Barahona: But I'm also okay. Not getting gifts. Like it doesn't, I do not feel like my birthday has gone come and gone and no one paid attention to me to like, to me, I want you to make me a homemade birthday cake. And I want you to say happy birthday, maybe get me a card. Like and that's it. That's really, truly all I want. And that makes me totally happy. All right. Onto the next question. This question comes from Maggie. She asked, are you secretly a maximalist about anything?

David: A maximalist, Oh man. Reading the news.

Denaye Barahona: This is true. I was actually thinking ugly knickknacks and watches,

David: Well, watch are not that bad. I like there's one. I, so with watches I have four watches, but they all have, they're a milestone for a big moment in my life. So college grad school and then my first kind of real job. And then like a cheap one that I kind of throw around. So nothing like massive, but they're all like milestones. So I that's very emotional and like a big thing. Knickknacks for sure. Love. Knick-knacks like make the world go round, by the way.

Denaye Barahona: Most of the knickknacks I make him take to work because I just don't like looking at them. They're just like weird, like chickens and bowls and just things that I like. I dunno,

David: They're, they're fun. And they bring, they spark joy.

Denaye Barahona: they don't spark joy, any joy at all.

David: That is the one thing I, well, I've gotten rid of a lot of knick-knacks that's the one that I've kind of held on to is some of the knickknacks because they they're always from travel. And so I always have like very fond memories of like either it was a small village. I went to go get it or, you know, market or whatever it may be. And so, but I've definitely cut back on it. Right.

Denaye Barahona: Always from travel, like when you traveled to target and buy stuff in the home section,

David: Maybe. Yeah, yeah. You

Denaye Barahona: be trusted alone in the home section of target,

David: Which is so good. Some of this stuff, it just like, it's incredible. Okay.

Denaye Barahona: E L P fifer asked, what do you do for fun?

David: ELP fifer.

Denaye Barahona: That's her Instagram name.

David: Oh, okay. Got it. I was like, that's it that's interesting.

Denaye Barahona: Sorry

David: didn't know that these were not just like names and like handles, but actual, okay. That's not a real name. Cause like, no, no, it's cool. It'd be really interesting. Just like your name is kind of interesting, but like Denaye. Like Denaye?

Denaye Barahona: I think it's probably her initials. Like, yeah,

David: I get that. I get that. Sorry. There was no context. And you're just throwing out these, these handles here. Sorry. The question was, what do I like to do for fun? I, to just be active, like I get really antsy if I just sit around for too long. And so I bike a lot. We have some gorgeous roads both you know, on the pavement and gravel. So I go cycling when I can, that's been fewer and further between just time and you know, life. I'll do the peleton with you and let me jump in the Peloton. I work out. Also, I don't know, just watch the occasional sports game. You know, I'm a hometown, Washington DC sports guy, so anything that's around sports, so nationals are on right now. So I've been cheering for them as well. There's kind of the big areas.

Denaye Barahona: And I used to view fitness as recreational for you, but I've come to discover. And I kind of talked about this in,uI don't know what the number of the podcast episode was, but it was the episode on,uwhy to kids turn into zombies after too much screen time, we talked a little bit about dopamine seekers and how you're a dopamine seeker, how you really need that boost of dopamine to really feel good and to, it impacts your mood. So, and I found That I need to work out. I like you better.

David: I need to work out for sure. Like, I am a different person if I don't work out.

Denaye Barahona: Sometimes it's a lot like a three hour bike ride or something. Yeah.

David: Yeah. But I kinda, I like, I enjoy the endorphins after a long run or a long bike and how that, you know, kind of makes you feel afterwards. And I am a thrill seeker, so I like to kind of push the edges of, you know, like I love snowboarding and you know, if it's anything to do with speed and you know, a little bit of like vertigo, like I'm game.

Denaye Barahona: So that brings me to my next question. Which is, are there any activities that you want to do that Denaye says no to?

David: Oh man, where's the list again? I know. So I was, I did, or I do have my private pilot's license, so I would eventually like to fly again, but Denaye's like hard NO.

Denaye Barahona: Well, I just really like keep it alive. And that's kind of just the gist of my interest in these saying no to these activities that I like you alive. Yeah. So anything that you could possibly die doing? Like heli skiing. Like that's hard no.

David: That's definitely on my bucket list that I will do. Like for sure.

Denaye Barahona: After I die. You can do it.

David: Ok. I don't, we'll talk about that.

Denaye Barahona: I die first. Then you could do,

David: You know, heli skiing would be something that's a dream, like, you know, dream maybe

Denaye Barahona: For anyone that doesn't know what heli skiing is, it's where a helicopter takes you to the top of a really large mountain and just drops you off. And you hope that you can make your way down on skis or snowboard I would assume is what you probably wanted. Yeah.

David: Yes. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, like everything else I'd love to go Parasailing. We did parasailing, paragliding, paragliding. Yeah. That was fun. Bungee jumping, but I don't, I mean, now I feel like I, I wouldn't actively seek those out. I mean, I get my thrills with like going along bike rides, for example. I dunno, there's not a lot of other stuff that you would say like, no, except for a couple of things I mentioned. Okay.

Denaye Barahona: So does it take you convincing to get on board with some of Denny's parenting ideas? And this question comes from Stephanie,

David: Like give me an example.

Denaye Barahona: That's a positive parenting. Cause we were both raised and pretty traditional authoritarian households kind of the, you do what I say because I said, so sort of mentality. So getting on board with sort of being more respectful and listening and being gentler with our kids.

David: I wouldn't say that took more convincing. I think for me, what I am still learning is how best to actually act on it. You know, like I think because you've internalized a lot of the actions and like what the reasoning behind it, you're much more able to like in the heat of a moment or, you know, throughout the course of a day to actually implement like tactics on, on how best to use those philosophies. Like I'm definitely on board with the philosophies and I, and I think, you know, they make sense and I truly value them. But I think for me, because my frame of reference is such that, you know, I had that more authoritative parenting style. You know, my parents were more authoritative. Nothing's not bad. It's just, that's how I was raised. So my reference point of like, how do I approach situations is different? And so I had to, you know, I'll go to you and say like, after the fact, like, how could I have handled that better? Or, you know, you may say like pay this. This might be another different approach. And, but I think we work pretty well with that. And I definitely am open to positive parenting, but I mean, that's kind of the one that's been again, more of like a journey for me, I would say.

Denaye Barahona: And I think you've noticed the difference in the way, especially our oldest, our son reacts to you differently. If you use a more authoritarian approach versus if you use a positive approach and you've just seen that it's more successful, like he reacts so much better to that type of parenting, as opposed to like you do what I say. And I think like looking kid to kid, I think our daughter responds to a little bit more firmness. I wouldn't say we're authoritarian at all with her, but I think we're a little bit firmer with her and she responds more to a little bit, I think she just needs her boundaries to be a little bit more firm for lack of better words. And I think our son is just more sensitive and he reacts

David: Actionary. Oh, well I think he, he definitely feels the he's more aware emotionally so that he feels for sure,

Denaye Barahona: Like really in tuned with emotions and like the minute we start feeling heated or angry, he's heated and angry and then it's just a big, hot mess then it's finals. Right, exactly. So I think that the other question that I got from several people was this idea of what happens when things come up, when we disagree on, parenting, like what, what happens then?

David: I think it depends on what it is. I think, I mean, we definitely talk about it. Like if it's something that we like have fundamental disagreements on and I don't think there's that many things I'm like, honestly, I'm trying to think of one where I just say like, no, I, I think you're wrong. I think we definitely talk a lot about, you know, the way we approach parenting the way kind of like our family values and what's, what's important. I think we communicate a lot on that. I think if we, when we do have disagreements, it's more of it's usually I would say, honestly, it's you, like, you have a way of looking at parenting and like an approach to like behavior or, you know, something that I just don't, I'm not fully educated on.

David: so I'm just looking for more resources. Like I'm a finance guy, I like data. I like to be fully informed of any decision before like diving into it and like unaware. And so I think the big thing that, that we work on or, you know, that, that you help inform me is by like giving articles or like giving a little bit more of like the why, instead of just saying like, Hey, this is how we're going to do it. And I think for me, that's what I look for. And I'd say that's where I'm, I lean to you to give me a little bit of, of more educational resources, because, you know, I looked for that.

Denaye Barahona: It's just, there's some irony in this because there's some people listening that actually send this podcast to their husbands as an educational resource. But I had to make sure that everybody knows that I have to find outside educational resources.

David: Because It's interesting. Like, I think about like, when you tell me, Oh, you know, like this is a great way of approaching like X or Y or Z like issue and then I'll say, because like, I know your, I know your background and you're able to do that. It's just, it's interesting that like, for some reason I think that maybe like you have this bias, you know, of like your own kids. I mean, I don't know, like I just, I love external validation and I love to be, it's like, you know, check your assumptions and make sure that I feel fully informed and not just like on a gut reaction and especially with our kids, but I trust you,

Denaye Barahona: This question comes from daily Holly, and she asked, how does parenting with an expert Affect you?

David: I, so I like in my work, I love working with experts because I try, like, I, I'm more open to learning about new things. And so I definitely appreciate a perspective that's that is, you know, steeped in education or, you know, maybe not education, but in experience and knowledge. And so I, I actually appreciate it. So I leverage and lean on, you know, people that I work with that may have like 20 plus years in their functional expertise or, you know, 10 plus years that I don't. And so I actually appreciate a learning opportunity when talking to different people in their fields. So I am, I enjoy it. Okay. She asked, what advice would you give for parenting? What advice? Oh, so Ashley, I've never, I've never really like, no, one's no, guy's going to be like, Oh, like, do you have any, like, except for like in passing, you they'd be like, Oh, give me a, like, you have a piece of word of wisdom for advice and they're like name, but I'm not like with my like guy, like tell me the most sane, you know, like Sage wisdom that you have.

David: And, you know, when you list them out one, two, three. So I actually had to write them down. So the ones that I had I had three, so the first one was celebrate small victories. Like I think it's like, it's kind of like a little like cliche, like sometimes in the business world. Oh, solid brothers. But I think it really like makes an impact that you don't have to like celebrate big milestones. And I think it just keeps up like positive mood and, you know, you, you celebrate the little things that may bring you joy. So it's just having that sense of like gratitude and being aware of the little things that are impactful and that are, that are meaningful. And so they don't have to be, you know, like the first time your kid jumps, I me, yeah, it's important.

David: But you know, it could be something as small as, you know, saying thank you, you know, or, you know, doing something kind for another cave. Like I think that that's really it's nice. It's kind of steak stock with that kind of those kind of things. The second one is actually a kid though, so it's kind of fun being a kid, like having kids and like acting like a kid again. And so I think I, I enjoy like goof around my kids. Like, so in work, I don't know. I tend to be a pretty goofy person, especially when my kids, like, I make a lot of noise, like animal noises. And I feel like jump on, you know, around and crawl on the floor. And so, and I enjoy that. Like, that's how I actually, like, I feel like I engage and interact with my kids.

David: Um so I feel like, you know, don't feel afraid to act a little goofy and have fun with your kids and act like a kid sometimes last one is fully embrace your kids' passions. I think you know, I've always been someone who, you know, yeah. I played sports growing up and I really appreciate sports. And but it's okay if my kids don't play sports, you know? And so like, my daughter loves like ballet and horses and unicorns. And so it's like, Hey, I'm going to fully like go in and like, pretend to be a unicorn and like try ballet, you know, like goo like dance around with her and have fun with her. And and when my son, like he's really into playing with, you know, cars and Legos and transformers or whatever it may be, and, and just playing down you know, on his level and playing with them and fully embracing it. And you know, I talked about like nature in all the cool little, like little creatures and many creatures that, that, that are out there. And I enjoy that. So those are my, I guess, pieces of advice I have.

Denaye Barahona: All right, this comes from Carrie. And she said, do you contribute equally to the childcare and taking care of that?

David: Hmm. Let, so with childcare, I would say probably not just because given my hours, like work hours during the week, but definitely on the weekends. So I would say absolutely. I try to like pick up slack where I can like the in the mornings. I always do breakfast. And I always like clean up after, you know, dinner. I tend to come home usually after you guys have dinner. Cause they're having dinner at like 5:30 or something. So I'll tend to kind of pick up on the other back end, but you would say on the weekends, it's, you know, I try to pick up a little bit more where I can. But I'd say, I don't know, 50, 50, or a little bit more on the weekends.

Denaye Barahona: On the weekends. Yeah. I think when you're here, but I guess that's just a matter of, because I work from home, I'm here so much more often, so yeah. I guess if you look at the whole divide that no, I wouldn't say it's equal.

David: No, no, no. Yeah. Like during the week, no, because I'm not here during the week and yeah.

Denaye Barahona: Yeah. And I think because you're not here during the week, it also is a little bit more difficult for you to know what needs done. And I think I spent a long time getting frustrated about you, not just like knowing what needs to be done. And I've just come to the conclusion that if I need you to do something, I need to ask you to do it. I can't just sit around, expecting you to know what needs to be done. I need to ask you, or I need to write it down and need to make a list. And I think once I gave up that battle of this, you should just know what to do. Then you actually started doing things because you made it clear that you have to tell me exactly what you want done when you want it done, or make me a list of things. And I think that took a long time, I guess, to sort of hash that out from KW Mueller. That's the Instagram handle.

David: No, thanks for clarifying.

Denaye Barahona: So how did you feel about homeschooling the kids?

David: Uh so actually I was at first a little hesitant, but I think the main reason why I was a little hesitant was because for me a big part of growing up was this social interaction, like having that that variety of social interaction, having like a diverse a diverse amount of, of kids and you know, of kids. And, and just also just having that dynamic of, you know, conflict resolution on, on playgrounds and in school. And so for me, my main concern was always, are they going to get enough social interaction and repetitive social interaction that they feel comfortable, that they can establish really strong bonds with kids outside, outside of our home. That's something that like, I know we're still working through in term. Well, it seems like so far he has a great routine, you know, and our daughter is doing well, you know, where she is right now too.

And so I feel like they they're satisfying that, but I think it may get a little more complex in the future. But I think for right now, I know like from an educational standpoint, like I know that, you know, you're obviously good hands with you you know, helping them with the curriculum and, and working through the kind of the Explorer, the exploration phase of their learning. Right. So not just making it, learning out of a textbook, but really integrating it into everything that they do, whether it's, you know, play or whether it's reading and, and a lot of other things. So I'm fully on board, but I definitely, yeah, the social interaction thing is something that I'm still trying to get fully behind. But I think through whether it's like team sports or whether it's music lessons or just other activities that are out there I think that's definitely something that will, that seem to satisfy it. Okay.

Denaye Barahona: The next question is from Monica, she said, what do you disagree on?

David: Oh man, I don't know. Besides music. Oh, music. Yeah.

Denaye Barahona: Well, don't, we mostly agree on music, but I really don't, I'm not a fan of classic rock.

David: I'm very eclectic with my music taste.

Denaye Barahona: I'm Eclectic too. I just really don't like, like alternative rock.

David: I'm like, I'm eclectic to the point of like, you know, classical to like reggaeton a little bit more rock, hip hop, nineties, hip hop, like, you know, full Minko, like basically anything and everything. It just depends on the mood. Like I'll listen to it depending on the mood. You're very much in like all rock

Denaye Barahona: Quiet most of the time. Like I just really like quiet, like if we're in the car and my first choice is just listening to silence. Okay.

David: I actually try to push music on the kids a little bit more like in the car, that's something we like, or that's a recent disagreement, I think is like, I love to listen to music in the car, just like give exposure to them on music. And you're like, you know, just if they want to listen to like a podcast, like let them listen to a podcast.

Denaye Barahona: Yeah. I just, for me maybe, and maybe it's part of the way that my brain works, because it is so busy that like, the silence is welcome. And for you, because your brain is a little bit quieter, like you need, and you do need a little bit more extra noise. Like you fall asleep, like watching, not watching TV, but like you would like to have a little bit more like background noise, I guess. Yeah. That's my background background noise. And I despise background noise, even if it's just like a fan running in a room. Like it drives me all the way. Oh, I can't handle that. Like, my computer is making this humming noise right now and it's just driving me crazy.

David: I love it. Yeah. So, and maybe

Denaye Barahona: That's kind of what underlies that. Just kind of a natural inclination towards.

David: Noise?

Denaye Barahona: Yeah. I mean, just kind of a sensory aversion or sensory sensory seeking towards it. Yeah. Okay. So very last question is from Zoe and she said, what is your best tip for a long lasting marriage? I'll answer this too. Do you want me to go first? You want to go first?

David: Uh you go first.

Denaye Barahona: Okay. So for me it has been really developing my own emotional intelligence. I think when I think about emotional intelligence, I think about self-awareness and understanding how my actions and my words impact the people that I'm in relationships with. And I think that's been really, really important because I can really step back and examine how, what I'm bringing to the table and how that impacts my relationship with you. So for me, it's been self-awareness and emotional intelligence and really working on that. And I think that the more I work on myself and the better emotionally healthy that I am the Better partner that I'm going to be. And the more, the easier to get along with I'm going to be.

David: Okay. Uh you know, you hear a lot about it. It was like listening, but I feel like I've definitely tried to listen more intently to you. Cause like in the past I'd be like, yeah, I got you. I got you. Like, I'm gonna just all like have a TV on or like I'll be reading something and like kind of like half listening to you, like half being like, okay, as long as I just like get out of this

Denaye Barahona: Pretend listening.

David: Yeah yeah. Like, and I kind of give you like the head nod and smile and like, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. But I think like, I think in a long run, I'm actually listening a little bit more intently and being more engaged. That's helped for sure.

Denaye Barahona: Right. Just practice and with time, if that's gotten better. And I think for me, I used to just start talking and expect that you were listening if you were in the room and I've figured out with time that that's not true. Like if you are thinking about something else or if you're looking at something else and I start talking, you might not hear me that I actually have to like, touch your arm or get your attention first before I start talking to make sure that you're hearing me.

David: Because I'm very like visual. So like if I'm like reading something, like I get really into reading and like, I get, I cannot be distracted and I need to like, you know, I'll be like thinking about, you know, if someone is describing like a scene, like I'll try to put myself there and I get really into topics or things that I'm doing. And so like, you'll come in and like, Hey, there's this great idea. I want you to listen to it. And like, this might be something great. And then I'm like, Whoa.

Denaye Barahona: And I tell you they'll tell that story. No, I tell you the whole story. And then you're like, I wasn't listening. Started cutting. Yeah. You'll like, have you don't ever say time out, you always just like, let me get through the whole thing.

David: Got out like piece and I'll be like, I'm sorry, what, what were you talking about?

Denaye Barahona: But then I also see this with the kids too. Like, they'll come up to me and be like Papa, Papa, Papa, like connected to that. Right. But it just, and I think that that's going to just kind of be a learning curve. Like they're just going to have to learn that they really need to get your attention before they start talking. And I think that's another thing that I always used to think, like, why can't you just listen? And I just like, this, is it just part of who you are and part of the way that you communicate. And I think having a relationship with someone is really starting to understand not only yourself, but them too and adapting your ways to them. Because I know that you're not necessarily always going to be clued in on what I need or what needs done and I have to be vocal about it. And I'm at the point in my life, I guess, where I'm like mature and okay. Asking for what.

David: Yeah. And I think this is kind of goes to that saying, and I think you hear it again as well, but I think keeping it fun and like spending very intentional time together, you know, without the kids, I think definitely helps. It's fun. Like I enjoy it because you know, like decided to marry you and, you know, spend my life with you. So I feel like having that time to ourselves, we could just, you know, kind of disconnect from not just like the kids, but also like work and, you know, just other things I feel like, you know, having that time just to talk about life and talk about each other, you know, like I think it's, it's really helpful and I like really enjoy those times. So I think like carving out those little moments when you can, and like having a date night, like that's fun. I enjoy it.

Denaye Barahona: And I think also with the kids too, like I think that the weekends come and I'm very, very, like, I'm very guarded about the time that we have with the four of us in that I want to make sure that we have that and I'm not going to plan like a million activities where you need to be socializing with one person and I need to be socializing with the other and like the kids are there. And I feel like I would much rather it be low key where we can connect with each other and maybe do an activity or socialize with other people, but not where we're being pulled in a million directions and feeling overwhelmed. So I feel like protecting that time, that family time is really important.

David: Yeah. That's great. Good.

Denaye Barahona: Right. Thank you so much for your time today. I hope I hope you'll be continue listening to the podcast.

David: Uh yeah. I may listen to you once for tuning in and hopefully you'll start listening to me more than once a week. I think once a week is a good, good tempo.

Denaye Barahona: All right. Thank you. You enjoyed that casual conversation with my husband and if you enjoy the simple families podcast, you can go ahead and hit subscribe or go to simplefamilies.com and enter your email address. The email list is really the best way to stay in touch with everything going on on the blog podcast and in the community. Thank you for tuning in and when you have a minute, leave a rating and or review on iTunes that helps the show to reach more people, have a good one.

Denaye Barahona

Dr. Denaye Barahona is a loving wife and mama of two. She partners with families to tackle the challenges of raising children. Denaye is a minimalist who claims to be a decluttering expert (don't let her near your closet). She loves to travel, talk health-and-wellness, and give unsolicited advice. She has been featured on the likes of The Today Show, The Wall Street Journal, The Huffington Post, The Minimalists, Motherly, Becoming Minimalist, and numerous other media outlets. Denaye holds a Ph.D. in Child Development and is a Clinical Social Worker with a specialty in child and family practice.